Validating the Anxiety

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I’m not lazy, I have anxiety.

I’m not antisocial, I have anxiety.

I’m not a bitch, I have anxiety.

Okay, so sometimes I can be a bitch… but chances are good that anxiety has at least a little something to do with it. And honestly, I try so hard to be kind.

You might think I use anxiety as an excuse or a crutch. And maybe I do sometimes. But I also struggle to overcome it a lot more than you know. 9/10 times I try to beat anxiety, I fail. But sometimes, on that tenth try, I succeed and I’m on top of the world. Then someone criticizes something about me and I’m right back to square one.

I’ve always been overly sensitive, ever since I was a child. Hell, ever since I was an infant. Turns out a good chunk of that is caused by anxiety. Any bad thing you could think about me, I promise you I’ve had thoughts ten times worse – daily. And when you say it, the anxiety is validated, and I believe everything it says.

Sometimes I push those thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them, but sometimes I’m just not strong enough. Sometimes I avoid talking to people because they bring those thoughts out in me, and it honestly makes it hard to function.

I’ve spent the past few months more stressed out than I’ve ever been. It’s over – I’ve got my house. You’d think I’d breathe a sigh of relief.

Nope.

I’m stressing about all the boxes I still have to unpack, about getting the trailer cleaned so I can turn in the key (hard to do since the power is off), about the death of someone I’ve known since I was a child and what a lousy person I am for not keeping in touch, and about doing right by my children.

Naturally, instead of getting off my ass and doing something about any of this, I sit in my house surrounded by boxes, frozen with anxiety, and unable to make the first move.

I know what I need to do, but I Just. Can’t. Do. It.

No, I’m not lazy, antisocial, or a bitch. I’m frozen, afraid to reach out, afraid to open that next box, because I’m convinced I’m just going to fail anyway.