Validating the Anxiety

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash



I’m not lazy, I have anxiety.

I’m not antisocial, I have anxiety.

I’m not a bitch, I have anxiety.

Okay, so sometimes I can be a bitch… but chances are good that anxiety has at least a little something to do with it. And honestly, I try so hard to be kind.

You might think I use anxiety as an excuse or a crutch. And maybe I do sometimes. But I also struggle to overcome it a lot more than you know. 9/10 times I try to beat anxiety, I fail. But sometimes, on that tenth try, I succeed and I’m on top of the world. Then someone criticizes something about me and I’m right back to square one.

I’ve always been overly sensitive, ever since I was a child. Hell, ever since I was an infant. Turns out a good chunk of that is caused by anxiety. Any bad thing you could think about me, I promise you I’ve had thoughts ten times worse – daily. And when you say it, the anxiety is validated, and I believe everything it says.

Sometimes I push those thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them, but sometimes I’m just not strong enough. Sometimes I avoid talking to people because they bring those thoughts out in me, and it honestly makes it hard to function.

I’ve spent the past few months more stressed out than I’ve ever been. It’s over – I’ve got my house. You’d think I’d breathe a sigh of relief.

Nope.

I’m stressing about all the boxes I still have to unpack, about getting the trailer cleaned so I can turn in the key (hard to do since the power is off), about the death of someone I’ve known since I was a child and what a lousy person I am for not keeping in touch, and about doing right by my children.

Naturally, instead of getting off my ass and doing something about any of this, I sit in my house surrounded by boxes, frozen with anxiety, and unable to make the first move.

I know what I need to do, but I Just. Can’t. Do. It.

No, I’m not lazy, antisocial, or a bitch. I’m frozen, afraid to reach out, afraid to open that next box, because I’m convinced I’m just going to fail anyway.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Throwing Eggs Does Not End a Panic Attack

Image
I’ve never enjoyed cooking. I have ADHD so I have a hard time following recipes – my eyes jump around on the page and I always end up skipping a step. Making it up as I go doesn’t work either – When I look at all the food in the pantry, I see ingredients, but my brain doesn’t put them all together in a way that would make a dish.
While cooking I get myself so worked up because I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of ruining someone’s meal, so I work myself into a panic attack. Of course I didn’t realize that’s what was happening until about a decade ago. Before that, I thought cooking just made me angry.
I’ll never forget the time my first husband threw eggs at me because I was cooking and upset. I was making breakfast and it wasn’t going my way, as usual. In retrospect, I was obviously having a panic attack, but all he saw was that I was in a bad mood. I handed him his plate of eggs and bacon and walked back to the kitchen. While walking across the room, he threw the plate at me. It …
Read more

I got what I want... why am I crying?

Image
The above picture is an excellent portrayal of how far I’ve gotten with packing. My youngest built a box fort while my eldest played on her phone. Meanwhile, I was going in and out of the house bringing empty boxes in and taking filled boxes to the car.

I’m in a weird place today. When my husband said he wanted a divorce over a year ago, I was crushed. For months I felt lost and hopeless. I lost the home I’d lived in for nearly ten years, mine and my childrens’ lives were turned upside down, and I felt like a complete failure.

Since then I have worked so hard to improve my situation. I got a new job, I moved several times before renting the trailer I’ve been in for a year (the first place I’ve ever had on my own), I got a new job, and have worked hard to improve my credit score.

I’m happy with where my life is right now.

I decided I could have lower monthly payments (and SO much more room) if I owned instead of rented, and have worked for months to make that a reality. It’s been hard…
Read more