Validating the Anxiety
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Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash |
I’m not lazy, I have anxiety.
I’m not antisocial, I have anxiety.
I’m not a bitch, I have anxiety.
Okay, so sometimes I can be a bitch… but chances are good
that anxiety has at least a little something to do with it. And honestly, I try
so hard to be kind.
You might think I use anxiety as an excuse or a crutch. And
maybe I do sometimes. But I also struggle to overcome it a lot more than you
know. 9/10 times I try to beat anxiety, I fail. But sometimes, on that tenth
try, I succeed and I’m on top of the world. Then someone criticizes something
about me and I’m right back to square one.
I’ve always been overly sensitive, ever since I was a child.
Hell, ever since I was an infant. Turns out a good chunk of that is caused by
anxiety. Any bad thing you could think about me, I promise you I’ve had
thoughts ten times worse – daily. And when you say it, the anxiety is
validated, and I believe everything it says.
Sometimes I push those thoughts to the back of my mind and
ignore them, but sometimes I’m just not strong enough. Sometimes I avoid
talking to people because they bring those thoughts out in me, and it honestly
makes it hard to function.
I’ve spent the past few months more stressed out than I’ve
ever been. It’s over – I’ve got my house. You’d think I’d breathe a sigh of
relief.
Nope.
I’m stressing about all the boxes I still have to unpack,
about getting the trailer cleaned so I can turn in the key (hard to do since
the power is off), about the death of someone I’ve known since I was a child and
what a lousy person I am for not keeping in touch, and about doing right by my
children.
Naturally, instead of getting off my ass and doing something
about any of this, I sit in my house surrounded by boxes, frozen with anxiety,
and unable to make the first move.
I know what I need to do, but I Just. Can’t. Do. It.
No, I’m not lazy, antisocial, or a bitch. I’m frozen, afraid
to reach out, afraid to open that next box, because I’m convinced I’m just
going to fail anyway.
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