I got what I want... why am I crying?



The above picture is an excellent portrayal of how far I’ve gotten with packing. My youngest built a box fort while my eldest played on her phone. Meanwhile, I was going in and out of the house bringing empty boxes in and taking filled boxes to the car.

I’m in a weird place today. When my husband said he wanted a divorce over a year ago, I was crushed. For months I felt lost and hopeless. I lost the home I’d lived in for nearly ten years, mine and my childrens’ lives were turned upside down, and I felt like a complete failure.

Since then I have worked so hard to improve my situation. I got a new job, I moved several times before renting the trailer I’ve been in for a year (the first place I’ve ever had on my own), I got a new job, and have worked hard to improve my credit score.

I’m happy with where my life is right now.

I decided I could have lower monthly payments (and SO much more room) if I owned instead of rented, and have worked for months to make that a reality. It’s been hard. I put offers on and was rejected for three houses before settling on the one that I’m closing on tomorrow.

I’m closing on my very own house tomorrow!

And yet I’m lying in bed crying instead of packing. Why? Because I’m so fucking overwhelmed.

My plan is to pack and move boxes in the evenings after work this week. Then on Saturday movers will come take care of the rest. I want to move as much as I can on my own to keep the cost down, but I’ve only been at this for two days and I’ve not made a dent.

You see, I’ve never had to do this on my own. I’ve always had someone helping. And I will have help, later in the week and on the weekend. But I really wanted to get a lot done on my own so others wouldn’t have to help much. I REALLY hate to be a burden on others.

So here I am, lying in bed, crying, feeling hopeless, when I should be working my ass off to get things done. Don’t you hate when poor mental health gets in the way? I should be jumping for joy, packing while dancing. Not crying in bed.

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