What if I get what I want?

Photo by Cindy Tang on Unsplash

Pictured above - the sort of house I'll probably end up with. 

My family moved around a lot throughout my childhood. We didn’t have a lot of money and always rented, and would end up having to move for various reasons. I always thought that when I grew up and got a house, it would be one that I love – not just one that I can afford.

Well, I’ve purchased two houses with significant others in my adult life, and that held true. Splitting up with those significant others and having to leave those houses was hard – especially last year when I had to leave the house I picked out and had raised children in for 8 years.

I’ve rented a trailer for the past year. It’s the first time I’ve ever lived on my own, and I love living on my own. What I don’t love is having to cram myself, two children, and all of our crap into this trailer. I’ve gotten to the point that I avoid doing housework because there’s just nowhere to put everything. My son doesn’t even have room for a dresser in his room.

So, I’ve made the terrifying decision to buy a house. Honestly, I can get more room for less money a month if I buy, so it’s a no brainer. This is not the first time I’ve bought a house, but it is the first time I’ve done it on my own, and I’m applying for a grant to help with the down payment – THE ANXIETY IS INSANE.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never had so many what-ifs.

What if I don’t get the grant?
What if I can’t come up with the rest of what is needed for the down payment?
What if the house I want is sold before I get the grant, and I never find another one I like?
What if everything falls through and I’m stuck in this shithole forever?
What if I actually get the house and then realize that despite all my planning, I can’t actually afford it?
What if I get the house and someone breaks in and steals everything and I can’t afford to pay insurance to replace it?
What if I get the house and end up hating my neighbors and I’m stuck there forever?

The list goes on.

Despite all my many, many fears, I’m still feeling really hopeful. I’m trying so hard to make the situation better for me and my kids, and this is the first glimmer of hope at having the life I want for us, and not just the life I’ll settle for.


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