Why Haven’t You Unfriended Them? #MeToo
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Photo by mahyar tehrani on Unsplash |
I have written this and rewritten this. I just don’t like
telling this story. It makes me feel dirty, stupid, and worthless. Let’s not
forget ashamed, because I’m rooting for all those women who stand up for
themselves – all while I’m sitting back and being a coward.
We are in the days of #MeToo. I’ve written about this before.
I have my stories, as do most women I know. Mine aren’t as bad as some, though
I’ve learned that every woman’s story of sexual harassment or assault is valid,
no matter the extent.
I’ve dealt with these situations since high school and a boy
on my bus made comments about my breasts often. Then later in high school another
boy actually grabbed my breast one night at work. I did nothing. I laughed it off,
changed the subject, and never mentioned it again.
Decades later, I still handle those situations the same. All
those people who say that women who wait years to say something shouldn’t be
taken seriously – they don’t know what they’re talking about. I understand
those women. It’s hard to say
something. There are just so many what-ifs! What if I’m blowing this out of
proportion? What if I really did bring it on myself without realizing it? What
if no one believes me? What if everyone thinks I’m a slut?
Then there’s the worst what-if: What if the person I’m accusing hates me for it?
That’s ridiculous, right? They hurt you, why should you care
what they think? Well, because sometimes that person is someone you care about,
regardless of their actions. If you’ve never been a victim, you can’t understand
that, and I can’t explain it to you. All I can say is, the brain and the heart
don’t always communicate well.
So recently, when one of my partners asked why I hadn’t
unfriended or blocked someone who propositioned me in an incredibly
inappropriate way, I was forced to think about why I hadn’t.
Truth be told, I remained friends (or stayed in
relationships with) all of the people who have sexually harassed or assaulted
me, until we grew apart or broke up for other reasons. When I was younger, I
think it was the whole that’s just how
boys are thing. Sure, it made me uncomfortable, but everything made me uncomfortable, so I didn’t think I had a right
to be upset.
As I grew older, I went through a phase where I used sex to
feel loved. So when these things happened, I convinced myself it just meant
they liked me. I should be flattered, right? That’s what Low Self-Esteem told
me, anyway.
Then as an adult, when it was people I was in relationships
with forcing me to have sex even though I didn’t want to, my excuse was that I
just wanted to keep them happy.
Since then I’ve learned that the actions of these people were
definitely wrong. And yet, when an old college friend kept texting me saying
the dirty things he wanted to do to me, even though the feeling was not
reciprocated, I said nothing. I changed the subject, I laughed it off,
sometimes I played along because hey, at
least someone is attracted to me, I should be flattered. On some level I liked the attention. But I also knew it
made me uncomfortable.
Then last week when someone I’ve gone out with before asked
to hook up and I said no… and then he kept pushing, and I kept giving reasons
why I wouldn’t… and then he offered to pay me… I actually had to say the words “I’m
not a hooker.”
That’s the one that made me question my self-worth. That’s
when my partner asked why I haven’t unfriended or blocked the guy, and
suggested I write a blog post about it. I don’t have a good answer. I still
like the guy. If he ever wanted to just hang out, I’d be up for it. What does that
say about me? That I’m weak? That I’m a pushover? That I’m just too nice, or
too forgiving?
I really don’t know.
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