I'm a Mess

Photo by MMPR on Unsplash


Anxiety is, once again, kicking my ass. I have a crazy busy week, and all I want is to hide in bed.

I work every day this week and have plans in the evening every day. Two of those evenings are Cub Scout events for my son, and every time I think about it I start crying. He is loving the Cub Scouts. I am dreading every moment.

The meetings are absolute hell. There are kids running around screaming in a church gym, and it’s sensory overload. They discuss upcoming events, and I want to cry because I desperately don’t want to go to any of them because I’m terrified of all the human interaction. They’re doing popcorn sales and I don’t want to go to any of the sale events because THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE, but not going means my son misses out on earning a badge. Thursday is the homecoming parade that the Scouts are riding in, and I typically avoid parades because they’re loud and there are so many people and so much traffic when you leave and what if I pick a place to sit where I can’t see my son in the parade anyway.

And now my daughter is saying she wants to join the Girl Scouts, which we’ve already tried, and was already a disaster.

I had to cancel dinner plans with my mother because I forgot about a work meeting I have in the evening on my only free day this week, so now I’m afraid I’ve disappointed her again.

And on top of all of this, my house is a disaster, I desperately need to do laundry, yet all I want to do is stop being conscious because I just can’t deal with any of this.

I’m a mess, and I’m so tired.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Throwing Eggs Does Not End a Panic Attack

Image
I’ve never enjoyed cooking. I have ADHD so I have a hard time following recipes – my eyes jump around on the page and I always end up skipping a step. Making it up as I go doesn’t work either – When I look at all the food in the pantry, I see ingredients, but my brain doesn’t put them all together in a way that would make a dish.
While cooking I get myself so worked up because I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of ruining someone’s meal, so I work myself into a panic attack. Of course I didn’t realize that’s what was happening until about a decade ago. Before that, I thought cooking just made me angry.
I’ll never forget the time my first husband threw eggs at me because I was cooking and upset. I was making breakfast and it wasn’t going my way, as usual. In retrospect, I was obviously having a panic attack, but all he saw was that I was in a bad mood. I handed him his plate of eggs and bacon and walked back to the kitchen. While walking across the room, he threw the plate at me. It …
Read more

I got what I want... why am I crying?

Image
The above picture is an excellent portrayal of how far I’ve gotten with packing. My youngest built a box fort while my eldest played on her phone. Meanwhile, I was going in and out of the house bringing empty boxes in and taking filled boxes to the car.

I’m in a weird place today. When my husband said he wanted a divorce over a year ago, I was crushed. For months I felt lost and hopeless. I lost the home I’d lived in for nearly ten years, mine and my childrens’ lives were turned upside down, and I felt like a complete failure.

Since then I have worked so hard to improve my situation. I got a new job, I moved several times before renting the trailer I’ve been in for a year (the first place I’ve ever had on my own), I got a new job, and have worked hard to improve my credit score.

I’m happy with where my life is right now.

I decided I could have lower monthly payments (and SO much more room) if I owned instead of rented, and have worked for months to make that a reality. It’s been hard…
Read more

Validating the Anxiety

Image
I’m not lazy, I have anxiety.
I’m not antisocial, I have anxiety.
I’m not a bitch, I have anxiety.
Okay, so sometimes I can be a bitch… but chances are good that anxiety has at least a little something to do with it. And honestly, I try so hard to be kind.
You might think I use anxiety as an excuse or a crutch. And maybe I do sometimes. But I also struggle to overcome it a lot more than you know. 9/10 times I try to beat anxiety, I fail. But sometimes, on that tenth try, I succeed and I’m on top of the world. Then someone criticizes something about me and I’m right back to square one.
I’ve always been overly sensitive, ever since I was a child. Hell, ever since I was an infant. Turns out a good chunk of that is caused by anxiety. Any bad thing you could think about me, I promise you I’ve had thoughts ten times worse – daily. And when you say it, the anxiety is validated, and I believe everything it says.
Sometimes I push those thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them, bu…
Read more