I'm a Mess

Photo by MMPR on Unsplash


Anxiety is, once again, kicking my ass. I have a crazy busy week, and all I want is to hide in bed.

I work every day this week and have plans in the evening every day. Two of those evenings are Cub Scout events for my son, and every time I think about it I start crying. He is loving the Cub Scouts. I am dreading every moment.

The meetings are absolute hell. There are kids running around screaming in a church gym, and it’s sensory overload. They discuss upcoming events, and I want to cry because I desperately don’t want to go to any of them because I’m terrified of all the human interaction. They’re doing popcorn sales and I don’t want to go to any of the sale events because THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE, but not going means my son misses out on earning a badge. Thursday is the homecoming parade that the Scouts are riding in, and I typically avoid parades because they’re loud and there are so many people and so much traffic when you leave and what if I pick a place to sit where I can’t see my son in the parade anyway.

And now my daughter is saying she wants to join the Girl Scouts, which we’ve already tried, and was already a disaster.

I had to cancel dinner plans with my mother because I forgot about a work meeting I have in the evening on my only free day this week, so now I’m afraid I’ve disappointed her again.

And on top of all of this, my house is a disaster, I desperately need to do laundry, yet all I want to do is stop being conscious because I just can’t deal with any of this.

I’m a mess, and I’m so tired.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mom, Don't Read This One: Anxiety and My Sex Life

Image
Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Warning: Don’t read further unless you want to hear about my sex life.
More serious warning: Possible sexual abuse triggers ahead.
I ended my post titled Sexual Abuse by saying “for the love of god, if a girl says no – whether she be a friend, girlfriend, or wife, it fucking means no and you deserve whatever you get if you don’t stop.” I have good reason to say that. I never would have said I was raped. Not until recently, anyway. A big problem with society these days is they think of rape only as involving a man abducting a woman in an alley, beating her up, and holding a knife to her while penetrating her. That’s not always the case.
If someone says no, it means no. Period, the end, do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not keep pushing.
If someone says no and you beg, plead, and eventually talk them into it, that’s rape. I have quite a lot of experience with this one, unfortunately.
An early long-term relationship is probably the cause for this parti…
Read more

Sexual Abuse

Image
This has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. I’ve kept my mouth shut for decades because I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. With all the sexual harassment allegations flying around, and so many people saying they’re being blown out of proportion or defending the abusers, I just can’t keep quiet anymore. Seems as though I’m losing the ability to keep my mouth shut about a lot these days! When I was in high school, before I got my drivers license, there was a boy on the bus who I considered my friend. He started making comments, pretty much daily, about my breasts. Sure, he was joking and meant no harm. But he didn’t think about how I might feel about the comments. I’d always change the subject. Being the non confrontational shy gal I’ve always been, I couldn’t just come right out and say he was making me uncomfortable.  Then there was the boy at work – this would probably have been my senior year of high school – who started commenting on my breasts, and then actually gr…
Read more

I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.

Image
Photo: Me and Amanda

Imagine you love reading books. It’s who you are as a person, it’s how you identify yourself. You are a book lover. The feel of the book in your hands, the smell of the pages, the way you forget all your troubles when you get lost in that book…that’s the essential you. Now imagine it’s like Fahrenheit 451. Society thinks it’s fundamentally wrong that you love books. Society judges you for your love of books. But you didn’t choose to love books, it’s just who you are. You were born to love books.
Imagine everyone around you loves to watch television, so you’re expected to love watching television as well...even that show that you really hate. You play along. All your life, you watch television with the rest of them...but secretly you long to read a good book. You can’t just be yourself, because if you mentioned your love of books, they would grimace and never look at you the same. So you pretend you’re someone else. You pretend to love television, and only televisi…
Read more