History does not always repeat
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I’ve had quite a few really toxic, bad relationships. It’s hard to truly let go of the feelings you experience during those relationships – especially the fear that it’ll happen again. Sometimes, without even realizing you’re doing it, you look for signs of past relationship downfalls in current relationships. Sometimes this behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been dating my current partner for quite a while. We very rarely fight. When we do, it doesn’t last more than a day.
Except for this time.
This time, it lasted for a solid week. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of what started it, but it’s a topic that’s come up in my previous relationships – especially the toxic ones I mentioned. I’ve spent the past week sure that this guy was just like the others, despite so much evidence to the contrary.
I feel it is important to point out that most of our arguing was over text message. I know this is a bad idea. Why did I continue arguing over text when I know that typically only makes things worse, because without seeing the person, seeing their facial expressions, hearing the tone of their voice, it’s hard to get the right messages across. But, a long-time problem I have with anxiety is my inability to stop arguing until it’s done.
It’s like I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders. The good sense angel is saying “This is a bad idea, you know this will only make it worse! You need to take a step back, let both sides cool down, and discuss this in person.” The anxiety devil is saying “No, you must hash this out right now, because if you let them walk away, if you don’t get it all out right now, they may just never come back!”
So, I kept arguing.
It got worse.
We both made assumptions and had misunderstandings, making it worse.
Finally, I said I can’t do this anymore, and if this is how it’s going to be from now on, maybe we should split up.
That was an incredibly difficult sentence to type. But I’ve dealt with so many relationships that turned into non-stop fighting, and I refuse to live like that anymore. So there it is.
His response was “I’ll be there in a few.”
So, he came over. We talked. We cried. We realized we both misunderstood one very important point, which could have saved us both a lot of grief.
So, the moral of the story, my dear Cucumbers, is this: Learn from the past, but don’t assume everyone will treat you as those in your past did. Give them the chance to be better.
Also don’t argue over text.