One Panic Attack at a Time

A few weeks ago, I was bored. I claim to be an introvert, but I often feel the need to chat with people to occupy myself. I recently had a conversation about the possibility that I’m just a really shy and anxious extrovert. Is that a thing?
So, I was bored and decided I wanted to chat with some new people, so I activated my dormant OK Cupid account. I was sure to mention on my profile that I was primarily interested in conversation, but was open to that leading to more. I mentioned my love of Stephen King and Doctor Who, and that immediately asking for sex will get you blocked.
A handful of people messaged me (I hear the experience is quite different if you are male) and I responded to each of them, quickly weeding out those who immediately started asking for sex – did they not read the part about conversation, or do they just not care?! Probably both. People can be pigs.
This process brings out zero anxiety. I’m hiding safely behind the internet and have no problem telling people…

I used to have the news playing in the background in the mornings while I got ready for work. I would half pay attention while getting dressed, but mostly I was listening for traffic updates for my trek to Cincinnati through miles of highway traffic. I eventually had to stop this morning ritual because stories about mothers murdering their children and people being assaulted in their homes became too much for me and my anxiety to bear. I won’t even get into what news of President Cheetoface McTwitterThumbs does to my anxiety.
Who am I kidding, yes I will.
I love horror movies. The more it fucks with your head and makes you see monsters in the shadows, the better. But nothing scares me more than children in peril. I’ve heard A Quiet Place is masterful, but there’s no way I could watch it – it’s nothing but children in peril. Sadly, that’s what the news has become. There are stories about mothers drowning their children in the bathtub, children being kidnapped from their front yards,…

I don’t live with friends well. If it’s a significant other, it’s fine. But living with friends in a purely roommate situation has never gone well for me.
When my husband left me, I was terrified of living on my own. I’d lived in a two-income household for decades and knew I couldn’t afford to support myself on my own. A good friend offered for me and the kids to move in with her. I thought it was the perfect situation – she had two spare rooms, the house was close to my parents, and she and I had always gotten along famously. She was also going through a split-up, so we could support one another during this time. Best of all, my portion of rent and utilities was very affordable.
It started off great – she let me pick the paint color for my bedroom. She helped me move in. I wasn’t allowed to bring my cat because she already had two cats and didn’t want to cause problems with them, and I conceded to this. I didn’t like it, but I understood.
The weeks I didn’t have my kids, it was g…

Within the past week, I came frighteningly close to saying “fuck it all” and becoming a recluse. I’d been fighting with my boyfriend and got into an argument with my best friend (because why piss off only one person, when you can piss off everyone close to you?!)
I sat in my house, all alone, thinking without these two people in my life, I would probably never go out. Then I thought fine. Maybe that’s for the best. I could just stay in my crappy little house with my cat and Netflix forever until I die. Then my cat would eat me.
Yeah, I get morbid, I know.
I worked through my problems and made up with the two people I’m closest to. All is well.
Then I decided to get a dog.
I’ve been thinking about it for months. I’ve always loved dogs and had a Jack Russell, Libby, that died tragically at age 14. She was my baby. She was with me through three marriages, countless illnesses & diagnoses, depression, and panic attacks.
I’m sure you’ve heard of pets being used as emotional suppo…

I’ve had quite a few really toxic, bad relationships. It’s hard to truly let go of the feelings you experience during those relationships – especially the fear that it’ll happen again. Sometimes, without even realizing you’re doing it, you look for signs of past relationship downfalls in current relationships. Sometimes this behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been dating my current partner for quite a while. We very rarely fight. When we do, it doesn’t last more than a day.
Except for this time.
This time, it lasted for a solid week. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of what started it, but it’s a topic that’s come up in my previous relationships – especially the toxic ones I mentioned. I’ve spent the past week sure that this guy was just like the others, despite so much evidence to the contrary.
I feel it is important to point out that most of our arguing was over text message. I know this is a bad idea. Why did I continue arguing over text when I kn…