Shout-out to the people who don’t make me anxious
|Pictured: Me... with friends... not being anxious|
This post is dedicated to my boyfriend, who puts me to sleep every time I see him. Not by being boring – he’s anything but boring – but by making me feel so at ease that I fall asleep.
If there was an Olympic event for social anxiety, I’d take gold. There are people who I consider great friends who I mostly only hang out with when other people are around. It’s a coping mechanism for me – if there are other people, there is less pressure for me to speak. If it’s just me and one other person, I’m probably going to be expected to carry on a conversation. That’s fucking terrifying. That ends with me doing the thinking about thinking about thinking of what to say thing.
Yes, I know, my brain is broken.
This isn’t a reflection on my opinion of these people – it’s just my stupid anxiety getting in the way. I even have this problem with relatives I’ve known my whole life. I suck at keeping in contact with family for this reason.
There are, however, a few people who put me at ease:
My mom – She may think I’m weird, but she’s endlessly supportive and always makes me laugh.
My sister – We’re as different as two sisters can be, but no one makes me laugh more than her and she accepts me as I am.
Tiffany – We became friends in the sixth grade specifically because I was shy and she was outgoing. No matter how much time passes between seeing her, we always fall right back into that comfortable ease of conversation.
Leslie – Another person I was pushed to befriend because she was so much more outgoing than me. We have the same twisted sense of humor and I know she’ll love me no matter how fucked up I am.
Jaime – He has enough personality for the both of us! We have great conversations, but if I’m not feeling talkative, he has no problem taking over, and I know he’d do anything for a friend.
And last, but certainly not least – Steven. Someone once said Steven is pushy. You know what? He is. He pushes me (and himself) to be better, always. He pushes me to stand up for myself. He pushes me to work toward my goals. He pushes me to chase my dreams. He’s outgoing, so I know when I’m with him in public he’ll handle the peopling for me. He always checks in with me to see how my anxiety is doing and to see if I need to take a break from social situations. I can be with him and not feel pressured to say anything at all, but I also feel comfortable enough to say whatever is on my mind. He takes care of me when I have trouble. He gives me space when I need my independence. He supports my ethically non-monogamous ways.
Most importantly, he makes me feel safe. So, while we have a great time together, one of my favorite things about him is that he puts me at ease to the point that I fall asleep. That’s a pretty big deal, considering that most people turn me into an anxious mess.
To the people who make me feel less anxious – You’ll never know how much I appreciate you.
Also, check out Steven’s blog at ideatrash.net. He’s one of the people who encouraged me to start this blog, so he deserves the views.