Shout-out to the people who don’t make me anxious
Pictured: Me... with friends... not being anxious |
This post is dedicated to my boyfriend, who puts
me to sleep every time I see him. Not by being boring – he’s anything but
boring – but by making me feel so at ease that I fall asleep.
If there was an Olympic event for social
anxiety, I’d take gold. There are people who I consider great friends who I
mostly only hang out with when other people are around. It’s a coping mechanism
for me – if there are other people, there is less pressure for me to speak. If
it’s just me and one other person, I’m probably going to be expected to
carry on a conversation. That’s fucking terrifying. That ends with me doing the
thinking about thinking about thinking of what to say thing.
Yes, I know, my brain is broken.
This isn’t a reflection on my opinion of these
people – it’s just my stupid anxiety getting in the way. I even have this
problem with relatives I’ve known my whole life. I suck at keeping in contact
with family for this reason.
There are, however, a few people who put me at
ease:
My mom – She may think I’m weird, but she’s
endlessly supportive and always makes me laugh.
My sister – We’re as different as two sisters
can be, but no one makes me laugh more than her and she accepts me as I am.
Tiffany – We became friends in the sixth grade
specifically because I was shy and she was outgoing. No matter how much time
passes between seeing her, we always fall right back into that comfortable ease
of conversation.
Leslie – Another person I was pushed to befriend
because she was so much more outgoing than me. We have the same twisted sense
of humor and I know she’ll love me no matter how fucked up I am.
Jaime – He has enough personality for the both
of us! We have great conversations, but if I’m not feeling talkative, he has no
problem taking over, and I know he’d do anything for a friend.
And last, but certainly not least – Steven.
Someone once said Steven is pushy. You know what? He is. He pushes me (and
himself) to be better, always. He pushes me to stand up for myself. He pushes
me to work toward my goals. He pushes me to chase my dreams. He’s outgoing, so
I know when I’m with him in public he’ll handle the peopling for me. He
always checks in with me to see how my anxiety is doing and to see if I need to
take a break from social situations. I can be with him and not feel pressured
to say anything at all, but I also feel comfortable enough to say whatever is
on my mind. He takes care of me when I have trouble. He gives me space when I
need my independence. He supports my ethically non-monogamous ways.
Most importantly, he makes me feel safe. So,
while we have a great time together, one of my favorite things about him is
that he puts me at ease to the point that I fall asleep. That’s a pretty big
deal, considering that most people turn me into an anxious mess.
To the people who make me feel less anxious –
You’ll never know how much I appreciate you.
Also, check out Steven’s blog at ideatrash.net.
He’s one of the people who encouraged me to start this blog, so he deserves the
views.
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