I'm not lazy, I'm sick
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Photo by Jesus Hilario H. on Unsplash Seriously, just looking at that cluttered desk makes it hard to breathe. |
My house is a disaster. Okay, maybe not a complete disaster – I’ve seen worse. But
the clutter, dishes, and laundry that need to be taken care of are giving me
anxiety attacks.
There have been many studies that proved the link between
clutter and stress, so the struggle is, in fact, real.
Unfortunately, anxiety robs me of my energy, so I don’t have
the spoons to take care of the mess.
So the mess gets worse.
Then my anxiety gets worse.
Then I resort to watching television in my bedroom and
avoiding the kitchen and living room so I don’t see the mess, so it doesn’t
stress me out.
Repeat forever until I die in filth.
I swear I’m not lazy – I’m just always so mentally exhausted
that I feel physically exhausted, and I don’t have the energy to be productive.
Of course then there’s my defective thyroid, which also makes me physically
exhausted.
I live for the
days when I wake up feeling well. They’re so rare, but when they happen it’s
like a magical gift. On those days I turn my music up and clean. Those days happen once every two or three months.
There is, however, one exception. If I’m going to have a
guest, I clean like a madwoman. I can’t bear for others to see my house messy,
so I make sure I have time to clean before they come over. It’s the weirdest
thing, because once I start, I go until I’m happy with the state of cleanliness
– completely unlike when I’m just
cleaning because I know I should, and decide after stacking a few piles of
clutter that it’s good enough.
Now, how do I rewire my brain to always think people are
coming over, so I get that drive to clean? I suppose I could just invite people
over frequently, but that sounds way too people-y.
Hopefully I don’t end
up on Hoarders.
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