Showing posts from May, 2018

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Do you think maybe it would help your well-being to get those thoughts out on paper?

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Be a guest blogger for One Panic Attack At a Time! 

Write out your thoughts on anything related to anxiety, mental illness, society, current events, LGBTQ, family problems, or whatever your little heart desires and email it to

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I'm not lazy, I'm sick

My house is a disaster. Okay, maybe not a complete disaster – I’ve seen worse. But the clutter, dishes, and laundry that need to be taken care of are giving me anxiety attacks.
There have been many studies that proved the link between clutter and stress, so the struggle is, in fact, real.
Unfortunately, anxiety robs me of my energy, so I don’t have the spoons to take care of the mess.
So the mess gets worse.
Then my anxiety gets worse.
Then I resort to watching television in my bedroom and avoiding the kitchen and living room so I don’t see the mess, so it doesn’t stress me out.
Repeat forever until I die in filth.
I swear I’m not lazy – I’m just always so mentally exhausted that I feel physically exhausted, and I don’t have the energy to be productive. Of course then there’s my defective thyroid, which also makes me physically exhausted.
I live for the days when I wake up feeling well.They’re so rare, but when they happen it’s like a magical gift. On those days I turn my musi…

Queer Erasure

I came across the above gem on Kimchi Cuddles the other day.
I love me some Deadpool. He’s sarcastic, he’s funny, he’s played by Ryan Reynolds (who is oh-so-yummy), and best of all – he’s queer. When I saw the many articles about Marvel’s first queer superhero, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, I was confused. She’s not the first!Deadpool is pansexual! But, Deadpool hasn’t been depicted onscreen with a romantic interest other than a woman, so despite the fact that he has said he’s pan, that’s not good enough for the media.
I relate to this SO much. I mean, the media is always up in my business.
Kidding. I’m a ninja, they don’t even know I exist. Mwahahaha!
In the comic above, Deadpool mentions that he’s being bi-erased in his own show. I haven’t seen Deadpool 2 yet, so I don’t know if they focus on his sexuality at all, but bi-erasure is very real. Every bisexual person has heard “it’s just a phase,” or “I told you you’re not bi,” when dating a cis person of the opposite sex.  
There were hundred…

Panic Attack City - Population Me

This morning started out with the worst series of panic attacks in nearly a year. I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. Normally my insane need to be early for everything overrides anything else I may be anxious about. Not this morning. This morning I had the level of anxiety that makes me want nothing more than to be unconscious. When I finally got out of bed, I couldn’t make myself get in the shower.
I had no good reason for these panic attacks. It’s not like I woke up in a panic over something specific. My first thought was that I needed more sleep. It took forever to get to sleep last night – another side effect of anxiety. Next thing I know, I’m crying for no reason, thinking about everything I have to do to get myself and the kids out the door, and completely unable to get up and do any of it.
When you have a panic attack for no reason, it sort of feeds on itself. You don’t exactly know what caused it, so your brain starts giving you reasons. On any given day I have several …

What if the jerk has social anxiety?

An incredibly relevant Facebook post was pointed out to me today. This lady was at a small town gas station and saw a van with license plates from what I’m assuming is her hometown. In the post, she said she waited for the people to come back to their van and approached them asking if they recently moved here from the area listed on the license plate. She wrote:
“The woman just kind of stared at me and then looked at her husband with a look of confusion and disgust. Her contempt towards me was very obvious. She didn’t want to talk to me at all and never did look at me after that first glance. I was just trying to be nice and friendly, but apparently that is lost on the younger generation.”
I’ll get to how this is relevant to anxiety in a moment. First:
Okay, you waited for them to come back to their vehicle and approached them?! I wouldn’t talk to you either, ya freakin’ psycho! Do you want to get murdered and cut up into little pieces, because that’s how you get murdered and cut up…

A queer atheist oinks like a pig in church...

Every year I go to a mother/daughter banquet at my grandmother’s church for Mother’s Day. Every year I dread it. Nothing like a queer atheist in a church to stir up anxiety! Don’t worry, the church did not combust when I walked in the doors.
I go to this anxiety-inducing event every year because I love and respect my grandma and my mom, and I don’t want to disappoint them. I take extra anti-anxiety medicine before I go. Now, being an atheist, sitting through a church service isn’t fun, but I can deal with it. I grew up going to church, and somewhere around high school I started strongly disagreeing with a lot of what was preached, especially the bits about homosexuality. Aside from that, I just couldn’t believe that a heaven, hell, or god exist. How could it? I need scientific facts!
Despite that, when I married my second husband, I went to church with him to be supportive. He was Pentecostal – that was quite an experience. But, I sat quietly, arguing points in my head during the s…

Shout-out to the people who don’t make me anxious

This post is dedicated to my boyfriend, who puts me to sleep every time I see him. Not by being boring – he’s anything but boring – but by making me feel so at ease that I fall asleep.
If there was an Olympic event for social anxiety, I’d take gold. There are people who I consider great friends who I mostly only hang out with when other people are around. It’s a coping mechanism for me – if there are other people, there is less pressure for me to speak. If it’s just me and one other person, I’m probably going to be expected to carry on a conversation. That’s fucking terrifying. That ends with me doing the thinking about thinking about thinking of what to say thing.
Yes, I know, my brain is broken.
This isn’t a reflection on my opinion of these people – it’s just my stupid anxiety getting in the way. I even have this problem with relatives I’ve known my whole life. I suck at keeping in contact with family for this reason.
There are, however, a few people who put me at ease:
My mom – She may…

People Make Me Sleepy

Have you ever been so anxious that you literally passed out? That happened to me this weekend. I went to a small writing convention. I went last year, so I’m familiar with the folks who were there, and they’re good people.
I was sure to take my emergency anxiety medication before going, and my significant other assured me that if it’s too much, we can leave at any time.
When we walked into the building I was met with my first mini panic attack of the day, though it subsided quickly. We arrived just before the end of a panelist’s discussion. The room held three long tables and four smaller square ones. Every table was full and there were no chairs available for us to use, so we had to stand at the side of the room. I immediately felt as though I stuck out like a sore thumb and imagined everyone staring at me. A few familiar and friendly faces in the room smiled and waved, and that made me feel a little better.
When the discussion was over, everyone was directed to another room wher…

The Good and the Bad - Big Pharma

Big Pharma actually came through!! I have been on a plethora of medications for anxiety and depression since my early twenties. The medication that has helped more than any other is Pristiq. It’s fairly new – it’s only been around for a few years. And with a fancy new drug, comes a fancy price tag. When I worked for Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, I paid $40 a month for Pristiq because my health insurance covered a pretty good chunk of the cost. Now, however, I pay $230 a month – and that’s for the generic. Being a separated mother of two, I just can’t afford it.  I have an HSA (health savings account) which helps, but with my other medications and paying for doctor visits, those aids barely put a dent my medical expenses. For a while now, I’ve been afraid I’ll have to give up my Pristiq and go on a different, less effective, but cheaper medication. Nothing is more anxiety-inducing than the possibility of no longer having anxiety medication that works well. Other drugs have worked ok…