I'm a Mind Reader!


Photo by Kat Smith from Pexels




I’m a mind-reader… or so Anxiety tries to lead me to believe. If someone says something has come up and they have to cancel our plans, I convince myself (or rather, Anxiety convinces me) that whatever excuse they give is paper-thin, and the real reason is because anything in the world they could possibly come up with would be better than spending any amount of time with me.

There is pretty much always a war going on in my head - Anxiety telling me one thing, and my logical mind arguing another. Sometimes Anxiety wins, sometimes logic does. But even when logic wins, Anxiety is there, whispering in my ear, making me question everything.

So when I’m excited about plans, and not already finding ways to get out of them (as Anxiety makes me do so often) and the other person cancels, obviously it’s because they’ve realized I’m not worth their time. Obviously they only made plans with me in the first place because they felt sorry for me or had not yet realized how completely boring I am.

I know this because I read minds.

What’s even worse is when I decide they don’t want to be around me because of my anxiety. I know how annoying it is. Believe me, I know. Who would want to spend time with a person who is constantly second-guessing every word you speak and every move you make?

Sure, I can be funny. I have my moments, I can be fun to be around. But with all that anxious electricity buzzing around me constantly, is it worth it? Surely not. I know – I read minds, after all.

Okay, so maybe I’m not a mind-reader. But I’m really good at convincing myself I know exactly what’s going on in other people’s heads. My logical mind doesn’t stand a chance against Anxiety, but I’m stubborn. I’ll keep fighting it.

Wanna place bets on who wins?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I got what I want... why am I crying?

Image
The above picture is an excellent portrayal of how far I’ve gotten with packing. My youngest built a box fort while my eldest played on her phone. Meanwhile, I was going in and out of the house bringing empty boxes in and taking filled boxes to the car.

I’m in a weird place today. When my husband said he wanted a divorce over a year ago, I was crushed. For months I felt lost and hopeless. I lost the home I’d lived in for nearly ten years, mine and my childrens’ lives were turned upside down, and I felt like a complete failure.

Since then I have worked so hard to improve my situation. I got a new job, I moved several times before renting the trailer I’ve been in for a year (the first place I’ve ever had on my own), I got a new job, and have worked hard to improve my credit score.

I’m happy with where my life is right now.

I decided I could have lower monthly payments (and SO much more room) if I owned instead of rented, and have worked for months to make that a reality. It’s been hard…
Read more

Throwing Eggs Does Not End a Panic Attack

Image
I’ve never enjoyed cooking. I have ADHD so I have a hard time following recipes – my eyes jump around on the page and I always end up skipping a step. Making it up as I go doesn’t work either – When I look at all the food in the pantry, I see ingredients, but my brain doesn’t put them all together in a way that would make a dish.
While cooking I get myself so worked up because I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of ruining someone’s meal, so I work myself into a panic attack. Of course I didn’t realize that’s what was happening until about a decade ago. Before that, I thought cooking just made me angry.
I’ll never forget the time my first husband threw eggs at me because I was cooking and upset. I was making breakfast and it wasn’t going my way, as usual. In retrospect, I was obviously having a panic attack, but all he saw was that I was in a bad mood. I handed him his plate of eggs and bacon and walked back to the kitchen. While walking across the room, he threw the plate at me. It …
Read more

My Arms Are Just for Show Now

Image
Part of having anxiety is being afraid to ask for help. Mostly it’s because I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but I also have an intense fear of rejection. What if I asked and they said no?! I’d die, probably.
This covers everything from needing to borrow money to needing help hanging a medicine cabinet. It extra covers needing help with my mental state, but that’s a whole other blog post.
I usually end up mentioning what I need help with in hopes that someone will offer to help, even though that’s a chicken way to go about it. My ex couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just come right out and ask. I just can’t! Anxiety won’t let me!
Today this particular aspect of anxiety hit me hard, twice.
Yesterday one of the bosses asked for my help with something. They’re having students volunteer to come in and speak with our vendor about one of our websites so we know what needs to be improved. The boss man has an appointment and couldn’t make it to some of these interviews, so he asked …
Read more