Depression is Kicking My Ass
This is my depressed face.
Depression is kicking my ass this week. I’m trying to stay ahead of it. I’m trying to see the positive side of things, keep my head up, stay distracted, but it’s just not working.
Yesterday was my first Easter since the split from my husband. We’re doing shared parenting, so we alternate keeping the kids every other week. This is his week, so yesterday was the first Easter that I didn’t get up in the morning, get the kids dressed in their Easter best, take them outside to find their Easter baskets, and hunt for eggs.
Really fucking depressing.
I did get them for a few hours, though, so it wasn’t all bad. I took them to Easter dinner at my grandparents’ house. They loved the baskets I got for them. I got lots of good hugs from my son. But then I had to take them to my in-law’s house after a few short hours. This was the first time I had seen my in-laws since the separation. That was hard.
I cried off and on all day. After dropping the kids off, I went home to an empty house and tried to keep myself busy. I turned on some loud angry female rock music, did laundry, dishes, and some meal prep for the week. But periodically, I found myself slumped down on the couch or my bed, wishing I was someone else.
I started the ketogenic diet last week – it’s supposed to really help women with PCOS to lose weight. I’ve lost three pounds so far! Well, in my depressed state, I did what I always do – I stress ate. I felt awful about it, so I went onto one of the Facebook keto support pages I follow and posted about the hard day and my slip-up. I was then torn apart by folks complaining about people like me who cheat, when the rest of them work so hard.
I promptly removed myself from that group (a support group that only supports you when you don’t mess up? Really??), but it still left me feeling even more down.
The depression isn’t going away just because the holiday is over. Today I still just can’t shake it. I’ve been down all day. A few people at work have noticed I’m not my usual chipper self. I try to smile and pretend I’m fine – I don’t want to bother them with my issues – but I’m the world’s worst liar, so I’m not great at putting on a show.
I got a notification that my ex-girlfriend’s wife started following me on Google Plus. She’s been stalking me since she found out I existed. Oh, she also keeps up on my blog. Hi Missie, thanks for the pageviews! So I blocked her, and I’ve added that to the list of things to brood over.
We can also throw in my anxiety and crappy self-esteem convincing me no one likes me and everyone would be better off without me. Logically I know that’s stupid and (probably) not really the case. But my brain just won’t stop going there. It’s really annoying.
So, I’ll struggle through the rest of the work day, and then struggle through the evening. I’m supposed to go out to dinner tonight, and I’m thinking hard about canceling. All I want to do is lie on the couch and space out for a while, and then go to bed.