What the fuck is wrong with me, I can’t stop crying
My panic attacks most often present with uncontrollable crying
and a sense of unease that won’t go away. These are the small ones, nothing to
write home about, they happen pretty frequently. It’s annoying. I’m having one
of those days. I have a hefty case of depression weighing on me, so that doesn’t
help.
It’s 12:30 in the afternoon and my eye makeup is already
almost completely gone, washed away by tears that periodically come for no
apparent reason. Yes, I’m going through a rough time in my personal life, but I’m
at work – working on work stuff – not even thinking about the personal life
stuff. My face doesn’t seem to care, though, because the waterworks keep happening
regardless.
Ugh.
That’s the annoying thing about anxiety. People tend to
associate it with specific events. Your loved one is ill, you have anxiety.
Your car is on its last leg, you have anxiety. Kids at school are bullying you,
you have anxiety. Your girlfriend dumped you out of the blue to go back to her
psycho ex, you have anxiety. (Why no, I’m not bitter at all, why do you ask?!)
And yes, anxiety does happen around specific difficult events.
But it also happens for no reason at all. I think those are the worst panic
attacks. With specified panic attacks, you can work on grounding yourself –
think about your senses, where you are, think about what you can do to help the
situation. But when you have a panic attack out of the blue for no reason, what
are you supposed to do?! I can do my breathing exercises (when I think of it,
which I rarely do…), I can still do the grounding exercises and concentrate on
my senses, but you can’t alleviate a situation when you don’t know what the
situation is.
So, basically, my subconscious is out to get me. Soon all my
coworkers are going to think I’m an emotional wreck nutjob. Okay, so maybe that’s
exactly what I am. But I’m still fairly new here, they shouldn’t figure that
out for at least a few more months!
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