What the fuck is wrong with me, I can’t stop crying



Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash


My panic attacks most often present with uncontrollable crying and a sense of unease that won’t go away. These are the small ones, nothing to write home about, they happen pretty frequently. It’s annoying. I’m having one of those days. I have a hefty case of depression weighing on me, so that doesn’t help.

It’s 12:30 in the afternoon and my eye makeup is already almost completely gone, washed away by tears that periodically come for no apparent reason. Yes, I’m going through a rough time in my personal life, but I’m at work – working on work stuff – not even thinking about the personal life stuff. My face doesn’t seem to care, though, because the waterworks keep happening regardless.

Ugh.

That’s the annoying thing about anxiety. People tend to associate it with specific events. Your loved one is ill, you have anxiety. Your car is on its last leg, you have anxiety. Kids at school are bullying you, you have anxiety. Your girlfriend dumped you out of the blue to go back to her psycho ex, you have anxiety. (Why no, I’m not bitter at all, why do you ask?!)

And yes, anxiety does happen around specific difficult events. But it also happens for no reason at all. I think those are the worst panic attacks. With specified panic attacks, you can work on grounding yourself – think about your senses, where you are, think about what you can do to help the situation. But when you have a panic attack out of the blue for no reason, what are you supposed to do?! I can do my breathing exercises (when I think of it, which I rarely do…), I can still do the grounding exercises and concentrate on my senses, but you can’t alleviate a situation when you don’t know what the situation is.

So, basically, my subconscious is out to get me. Soon all my coworkers are going to think I’m an emotional wreck nutjob. Okay, so maybe that’s exactly what I am. But I’m still fairly new here, they shouldn’t figure that out for at least a few more months!


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