For Your Viewing Pleasure: Anxiety!

Photo by Kat Love on Unsplash

Ladies and Gentlemen!  For your viewing pleasure, I present to you a list of things I’ve been anxious about today:

The teacher emailed me about how well my daughter is doing in class on her new medication. Anxiety told me I’m a bad mother because I didn’t get her on the medication sooner. I spent a solid half hour analyzing how the past month could have been different, had I done so.

When I went to lunch, the seats I usually sit in were taken. I had a moment of panic because Anxiety pointed out how difficult it might be to maneuver through the room full of tables with my chubby body and huge purse. I found a table that suited my needs and realized I’d left my tablet at my desk. There was no way I was going to abandon the table I’d secured to go back for the tablet. What if someone took the table, and then I was forced to go to the middle of the room, running into chairs with my ass and hitting people in the head with my purse?!

My boss suggested I speak with someone about a work-related matter that will benefit me. It took me 6 hours to get up the courage to send the person an email asking if we can meet. Anxiety convinced me that when I meet with the man I’ll have no idea what I’m talking about and he will think I’m a buffoon.

There was an event on campus that I wanted to attend. It’s been on my calendar for weeks and I was really looking forward to it. But the time of the event came and went with my butt firmly planted in my chair, staring at the clock. What if I couldn’t find the area where the event was taking place? What if only a few people went and they expected me to join in the discussion? What if only students showed up and I was the only staff there, and they all looked at me like I’m a freak?

My boyfriend texted to say he’d be quiet for a bit. Anxiety whispered in my ear “It’s probably because you’ve upset him,” even though logically I know he was at work so he probably just got busy.

My boss went to a meeting with HR. Anxiety convinced me I’ve probably done something wrong and they’re meeting about how they can fire me. Logically, I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

The combination of the boyfriend and boss anxiety caused me to have to take an anxiety pill. I couldn’t get my mind to stop playing out every horrible thing that could happen.

It occurred to me that we’re out of Danimals yogurt drinks. My kids love these and my daughter likes to take her medicine with them. I don’t have time to stop at the grocery before picking the kids up from school, so I’ll have to take them with me. Anxiety pointed out how stressful grocery shopping with the kids always is. What if my son throws a fit because he wants something that I can’t afford, and I can’t get him to calm down? What if my daughter says something like “I wish we had money to buy whatever we want,” (as she does often) and I get depressed because I hate that I can’t give them the same lifestyle they had before I separated from their father?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon and anxiety has dominated my thoughts most of the day.

And I wonder why I’m constantly exhausted…


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