Anxiety is being afraid of your own friends






I have been called out on my tendency to bail on plans twice in the past week. A good friend had a small get-together for me for my birthday, and he mentioned he was afraid I wouldn’t show up.

That broke my heart.

It was only three of us, but he made cupcakes (queercakes, as he called them), had sushi and wine, and made witty birthday signs that he hung throughout his house. He is such a great friend and I’m so thankful for him. So when he mentioned how busy I am and said he was afraid I wouldn’t show up, I felt horrible. Do I really do that to my friends who care for me?

Yep. Yep I do.

And it’s not because I’m busy, or I don’t appreciate them, or I don’t want to see them. It’s because of anxiety. For instance – I really did think about canceling that day. Nothing new, canceling crosses my mind every single time I make plans with someone.

I think I’m going to go out there, and I’m going to have fun! Anxiety be damned!  And then as it gets closer to actually going out in public and being around people (who Anxiety says probably don’t really like me anyway), I panic. Most of the time I talk myself out of it, I go, I have fun, I kick Anxiety’s ass. But sometimes I just don’t have it in me, and Anxiety convinces me I’m better off at home, hiding.

So next time I have plans with you, don’t let me bail. Tell me how much you want to see me and remind me of how much fun we’ll have. Call me out on my anxiety.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I got what I want... why am I crying?

Image
The above picture is an excellent portrayal of how far I’ve gotten with packing. My youngest built a box fort while my eldest played on her phone. Meanwhile, I was going in and out of the house bringing empty boxes in and taking filled boxes to the car.

I’m in a weird place today. When my husband said he wanted a divorce over a year ago, I was crushed. For months I felt lost and hopeless. I lost the home I’d lived in for nearly ten years, mine and my childrens’ lives were turned upside down, and I felt like a complete failure.

Since then I have worked so hard to improve my situation. I got a new job, I moved several times before renting the trailer I’ve been in for a year (the first place I’ve ever had on my own), I got a new job, and have worked hard to improve my credit score.

I’m happy with where my life is right now.

I decided I could have lower monthly payments (and SO much more room) if I owned instead of rented, and have worked for months to make that a reality. It’s been hard…
Read more

Throwing Eggs Does Not End a Panic Attack

Image
I’ve never enjoyed cooking. I have ADHD so I have a hard time following recipes – my eyes jump around on the page and I always end up skipping a step. Making it up as I go doesn’t work either – When I look at all the food in the pantry, I see ingredients, but my brain doesn’t put them all together in a way that would make a dish.
While cooking I get myself so worked up because I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of ruining someone’s meal, so I work myself into a panic attack. Of course I didn’t realize that’s what was happening until about a decade ago. Before that, I thought cooking just made me angry.
I’ll never forget the time my first husband threw eggs at me because I was cooking and upset. I was making breakfast and it wasn’t going my way, as usual. In retrospect, I was obviously having a panic attack, but all he saw was that I was in a bad mood. I handed him his plate of eggs and bacon and walked back to the kitchen. While walking across the room, he threw the plate at me. It …
Read more

My Arms Are Just for Show Now

Image
Part of having anxiety is being afraid to ask for help. Mostly it’s because I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but I also have an intense fear of rejection. What if I asked and they said no?! I’d die, probably.
This covers everything from needing to borrow money to needing help hanging a medicine cabinet. It extra covers needing help with my mental state, but that’s a whole other blog post.
I usually end up mentioning what I need help with in hopes that someone will offer to help, even though that’s a chicken way to go about it. My ex couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just come right out and ask. I just can’t! Anxiety won’t let me!
Today this particular aspect of anxiety hit me hard, twice.
Yesterday one of the bosses asked for my help with something. They’re having students volunteer to come in and speak with our vendor about one of our websites so we know what needs to be improved. The boss man has an appointment and couldn’t make it to some of these interviews, so he asked …
Read more