Guest Post: Divorce Has Changed Me; Focusing on Self-Love
Today I present you with a powerful guest post from an anonymous friend. I love this post because I know exactly how she feels, and I know the struggle (all too well...) to love myself before looking for love in others.
Divorce has changed
me. I remember thinking that meeting my soulmate would end all of my troubles;
that love was the answer to my everything. I walked down the aisle in my white
dress filled with hopeful dreams stuffed underneath the many layers of lace and
fabric. Together we made a life for ourselves. We bought a house in the suburbs
and spent our weekends shopping at Home Depot. My life was perfect for a brief
moment.
Each day I watched my
marriage fall apart, and I found myself fading away with it. I spent my time
sitting on the couch, waiting for my spouse to come home. I became so overly
obsessed with the relationship that I forgot about myself. It didn’t matter
that I didn’t know who I was, because I was married and my dreams had finally
come true. Denial is the best medicine - until it stops working.
When the veil was
lifted from our make-believe bubble of marital bliss, I was left with nothing
but a shadow of who I was before. Actually, who am I kidding - I don’t think I
ever really knew who I was.
I’m not a stranger to
heartbreak. I’ve had a string of relationships, one right after the other, that
have always left me in pieces. Fall in love. Obsess over significant other.
Break up. Rebuild. Repeat. This has happened to me a million times before, and
yet something was different about this one. I wish I could say that it was
because I didn’t see it coming, but I always see it coming. Instead of
accepting the inevitable, I am always left trying to grasp onto the very last
threads of life in the relationship. If I held on tight enough, then surely
they will see how great of a person I am, right?
Perhaps the difference
between this one and the others is that we made it legal. Our relationship was
legit, because we signed on the dotted line. That meant something. Our love was
bound by the law.
Wrong again.
It didn’t mean spit.
It just meant that I couldn’t cut ties right away. We had to work together in
sorting out the bills and selling the house. I don’t know what I would have
done if we had made it to my next big plan of having a baby.
My dream come true
turned into a nightmare, which left me broken. I didn’t think I’d ever get back
up from it. I made it to my ultimate destination and ended up crashing and
burning down to the ground. I tried to do what I have always done after a
breakup. I bounced back to get revenge. I cut my hair and started going to the
gym. I got on dating sites even before the divorce was final. I wanted to move
on to the next relationship.
I learned more about
myself, like the fact that I have ADHD, among other things. I started seeing someone
immediately. I wanted another do-over, only this time I didn’t. I noticed that
I’d stop myself, whenever I’d begin to obsess over my new beau. I no longer
wanted to spend my entire time with them. I spent my time allowing myself to
feel the grieving period of losing my ex. I was open with my partner and made
sure they knew that I had to go slow. I continued with therapy. I’m still in
therapy.
The truth is that I
don’t want another do-over with someone. I want to be able to say that I am
happy with who I am before anything else. I don’t want someone in order to be
happy. I want to just be happy. It’s
sad that it took me 34 years to finally figure this out. Instead of saying yes
to someone else, I finally am learning to say yes to me. To finally take a chance. I am giving myself the comfort and love
that I never felt from someone else. I turned the obsession from my significant
others inward and started really building myself up.
There have been some
setbacks with the transition of my new sense of self. I’m scared of falling
back into that super romantic obsessive phase, and have been keeping my
distance with my new partner. I do tell them when the sudden fear of commitment
erupts and I want to run. They’re super sweet and supportive, and have been a
great partner and friend throughout this whole process. We are taking things
slow - which is totally normal, according to my therapist.
On the bright side,
I’m going places by myself and enjoy spending time at home with my dog. I am
enjoying exploring my inner nerd by reading comics and playing Sims 4. Things
that I have always hidden away, in fear of my partners’ disapproval. I’m
beginning to care more about myself, and less about what others think of
me.
It’s not always easy
to keep up with this new way of living. I get distracted and sometimes I get
frustrated with myself, because I think that I’m regressing back to the way I
was before. I have bursts of anger over things like my failed marriage, for not
meeting a deadline, and forgetting my lunch on the counter. I’m super hard on
myself, which has always been a problem for me. I’ve always felt like I was
never good enough for anyone - hence why I’ve had so many failed relationships.
This is still a work in process.
Divorce has changed me
in ways that I can’t explain. If someone were to ask me if I’d do it again, I’d
probably say yes. I loved my ex with every fiber of my being and a part of me
will always love them. Love was never the issue. The issue was not giving that
love to myself. I’m aware of that
now. I’m not sure if I’ll get married again. I probably will, because I believe
in love. I’m a hopeless romantic. I know that it won’t be anytime soon. I owe
myself a long, overdue pampering session filled with self-love and comfort. I
owe myself the kindness that I’ve been giving so many others in hopes to get it
back in return. I’m hoping this time, I can finally break the cycle of
self-destruction and focus on self-love.
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