No New Year's Resolution This Year - Only Anxiety and Depression

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

2017 was an especially rough year for me. I’m going through my third divorce, moved twice and finally got my own place, and am getting used to raising my children alone.

Some days I feel like I’m kicking ass. Those are the days the children are bathed, their homework is done, I’ve made something resembling a healthy meal, and we’re all happy.

Those days are not the norm. They come more frequently as time goes on, but most days I feel like I’ll be lucky just to survive the day.

The weeks leading up to Christmas this year were worse than usual. Not only have I been having panic attacks brought on by my worry that the children would be disappointed by the lighter-than-usual Christmas, but I’ve also panicking over what the new year would bring.

In 2018 I will get divorced for the third time. I will have to start paying back student loans for the degree that didn’t get me a higher paying job. I will struggle to make ends meet while trying to maintain the quality of life my children are used to. I will figure out what to do with the kids this summer, because I certainly won’t be able to afford YMCA summer camp like last year, and I have no one else to babysit them while I work.

I try to maintain that miniscule shred of dignity that hangs on by a thread.

Normally this would be where I would say all the uplifting stuff I’m going to do to power through and persevere. Normally, I would try to give hope - if not to myself, then to a reader who might find it here.

I just don’t have it in me right now.  I don’t have solutions to those problems… and anxiety is only letting me see failure.

Sometimes all I can do is try not to let the kids see me cry and sleepwalk through the day.

My mom tries to point out that I’m doing just fine on my own. She’s one of the strongest women I’ve ever known, and she gets a bit frustrated when I let these things get to me. Yesterday she put me in my place in the parking lot of CVS.

I’d met her there because I needed to get cough medicine for the kids and she offered to buy it for me. I felt like such a failure because I’d just finished wrapping the kids’ presents and was saddened to realize I only had 6 gifts for each of them, then I panicked over the price of cough medicine, then I started thinking about all the other ways I was going to fail.

My mom sternly looked me in the eye and said: “You’re past all that. You’ve got your own place, the kids are happy, they have more stuff than they need. Now no more crying or I’m going to hit you.”

I’m pretty sure she was joking about the last bit.

So, I’m not making any New Year Resolutions this year. At this point in time I feel like that would only be setting myself up for failure. Instead I’m going to continue doing the best that I can for myself and my kids and just hope for happiness. 2018 is definitely going to be a new start for me and I have to make the best of it.

Or, maybe that’s a resolution after all.

Spoilers...

Next time I'll talk about bullies and the effect they had on my anxiety. 


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