The Girl Who Ran – or – The Tale of Three Divorces: How Anxiety Affects Relationships
The fact that I’ve been married three
times has turned into a running joke. When I discovered that my number of
divorces will also be three, it became a lot less funny to me. I try to keep a
sense of humor about it, but some days it’s hard… especially when I think my
anxiety has played a big part in the failing of many of my relationships.
My parents fought a lot when I was
young. I vowed to never stay in a relationship that made me anything less than
happy. As a result, I’ve always been quick to run away from relationships.
Sometimes I’ve fled at the first sign of a temper, or an inclination that
things might not go how I want. Other times I’ve given a few chances - a
few - before running.
Remember that my anxiety already
existed before any of these relationships, but they definitely gave it new
shapes in my life and how future relationships worked.
Husband #1
My first husband had a horrific
temper. It didn’t come out until after we were married. He would get so angry
over trivial things. The event that sticks out in my mind was one that led to
me leaving him for the first time...though I panicked and went back before the
day ended.
One example: I hate cooking. I don’t
have the patience for it, and that alone triggers my anxiety. On this
particular morning I was making breakfast while he sat on the couch. I was
swearing at the food, worried that I’d burnt the bacon. I didn’t ruin the food,
but he got very angry with me... for being in a bad mood.
When I handed him his plate of eggs
and bacon, he threw it across the room. It hit a porcelain pillar that held a
glass table top, shattering the pillar, glass, and the plate.
When I finally moved out for good
several months later, I noticed that there was still a bit of egg on the
ceiling.
Husband Number One also didn’t
tolerate me having a social life. He didn’t want me to go out without him, but
he didn’t want to go with me. His “compromise” was chaperoning me and sulking
in a corner, making sure everyone knew how much he didn’t want to be there. It
made going out so anxiety-producing that when I finally left him, I realized I
didn’t have many friends left. I’d alienated myself from them to keep him
happy.
The way he treated me shaped my
anxiety into some specific triggers that I still struggle with to this day.
When someone yells at me, my brain shuts down and I either yell back
uncontrollably or I become nonverbal. I can get extremely upset with people who
try to control what I do. Sadly, I’m very indecisive, so I often invite people
to make decisions for me. But when I’ve made up my mind on something, trying to
get me to do something else doesn’t typically go well. And, of course, we can’t
forget my triggers surrounding sex resulting from him getting angry with me
when I wasn’t in the mood.
We were married for about four years,
though one year of that was spent separated because he wouldn’t grant me a
divorce and the thought of confronting him also triggered my anxiety.
Husband #2
I didn’t want to marry my second
husband. I walked down the aisle thinking “I don’t want to marry him.”
He was a very nice, sweet, funny guy.
I was not physically attracted to him, but I’ve always been willing to give
folks a chance despite physical appearances, as long as they seem like decent
people. I found that I did enjoy spending time with him...but there was no
“spark”, no romantic connection.. I kept dating him, though, because… well…
what else was I going to do?
A few months in he said “I love you.”
I said “Thank you.”
Some months later he got down on one
knee and proposed. I pointed out that there were people kayaking in the river.
Then I said yes because my anxiety had crippled my self-esteem so badly that I
didn’t think there was any chance of finding someone else who treated me
decently.
We were only married for about two
years. When I told him how unhappy I was and that I wanted a divorce, I broke
his heart. This was all because my anxiety told me I wasn’t good enough to find
find anyone else who treated me well.
Yes, marrying him was selfish and
wrong, but I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to marry him and I
didn’t want to be alone. Sometimes I’m not sure if this was a result of anxiety
or just stupidity and fear.
Triggers I now have because of him – none.
This time, anxiety made me the bad guy.
Husband #3
This one is the hardest. I met Number
Three when I was working up the courage to leave Number Two. He was “perfect”.
He was handsome and had a sarcastic and snarky sense of humor that fit mine perfectly.
He wasn’t as much of an asshole as Number One, but he was still enough of an
asshole that he wasn’t a pushover like Number Two.
I unexpectedly got pregnant very early
in our relationship. He asked me to marry him. I said no, I don’t want to be one
of those people who got married just because they got knocked up. I had the
baby and he asked again. I gave the same answer. I was terrified of getting
married again. I eventually agreed because I did love him deeply, and I could
see us having a wonderful life with our little family. We got married when my
daughter was nine months old.
We fought, and he had a bit of a
temper, but we always resolved our fights fairly quickly. Quite a few people
said they thought we were the perfect couple. I was with him for nine years.
As time went on, things got worse and
worse. Our fights were more frequent, lasted longer, and happened for
more minor reasons. I started telling family and friends that if things didn’t
improve I was afraid I would have to leave him.
The hardest part is, I was afraid to
leave because of the kids. I never wanted to be that person. I always
said I would never stay in a bad relationship because of the kids. But, there I
was.
He made the decision for me in the
end, when he found out I had been considering leaving.
We’re still separated, I still cry all
the time (I’m doing so right now, as a matter of fact), and I’m still trying to
figure out how to live as a single parent. Talk about anxiety.
Triggers I have because of him: Can
everything be a trigger? I’ve dated several people since he and I split up and
it seems like whenever there is a bump in the road, my mind flashes to Number
Three and I think “This wouldn’t be happening to me if it weren’t for him.” I
find myself constantly comparing other people’s actions to his, and resolving
that I won’t let anyone else do that to me. Sometimes I wonder if that
relationship has shaped my anxiety so that I won’t be able to have a real,
lasting relationship again.
I’ve also decided I’m never getting
married again and I’m pretty sure I’ll never be monogamous again. Why put all
my chips in one basket that can be damaged and thrown away?
Other Relationships
I mentioned my marriages, but I’ve
dated in between Those relationships have had a great impact on the shape of my
anxiety as well, and I’m just as likely to run – maybe more so.
Going Forward
I seem to work best with people who
will handle me with kid gloves. They have to understand my mental disorders and
my triggers, and they have to be willing to work with me and have patience.
Being with me is not always easy. Sometimes I’m unreasonable, though I try to
make sure they understand it’s largely because of my anxiety and my past.
Anxiety doesn’t make sense and it makes me kind of crazy.
People keep wanting to date me, so
maybe I’m worth it?
Spoilers…
Next time I'll discuss how anxiety has held me back from chasing my dreams.
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