Rooming with Friends is Anxiety-Inducing

I don’t live with friends well. If it’s a significant other, it’s fine. But living with friends in a purely roommate situation has never gone well for me.
When my husband left me, I was terrified of living on my own. I’d lived in a two-income household for decades and knew I couldn’t afford to support myself on my own. A good friend offered for me and the kids to move in with her. I thought it was the perfect situation – she had two spare rooms, the house was close to my parents, and she and I had always gotten along famously. She was also going through a split-up, so we could support one another during this time. Best of all, my portion of rent and utilities was very affordable.
It started off great – she let me pick the paint color for my bedroom. She helped me move in. I wasn’t allowed to bring my cat because she already had two cats and didn’t want to cause problems with them, and I conceded to this. I didn’t like it, but I understood.
The weeks I didn’t have my kids, it was g…

Woman's Best Friend

Within the past week, I came frighteningly close to saying “fuck it all” and becoming a recluse. I’d been fighting with my boyfriend and got into an argument with my best friend (because why piss off only one person, when you can piss off everyone close to you?!)
I sat in my house, all alone, thinking without these two people in my life, I would probably never go out. Then I thought fine. Maybe that’s for the best. I could just stay in my crappy little house with my cat and Netflix forever until I die. Then my cat would eat me.
Yeah, I get morbid, I know.
I worked through my problems and made up with the two people I’m closest to. All is well.
Then I decided to get a dog.
I’ve been thinking about it for months. I’ve always loved dogs and had a Jack Russell, Libby, that died tragically at age 14. She was my baby. She was with me through three marriages, countless illnesses & diagnoses, depression, and panic attacks.
I’m sure you’ve heard of pets being used as emotional suppo…

History does not always repeat

I’ve had quite a few really toxic, bad relationships. It’s hard to truly let go of the feelings you experience during those relationships – especially the fear that it’ll happen again. Sometimes, without even realizing you’re doing it, you look for signs of past relationship downfalls in current relationships. Sometimes this behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been dating my current partner for quite a while. We very rarely fight. When we do, it doesn’t last more than a day.
Except for this time.
This time, it lasted for a solid week. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of what started it, but it’s a topic that’s come up in my previous relationships – especially the toxic ones I mentioned. I’ve spent the past week sure that this guy was just like the others, despite so much evidence to the contrary.
I feel it is important to point out that most of our arguing was over text message. I know this is a bad idea. Why did I continue arguing over text when I kn…

Is it mental illness, or am I just defective?

I’m having a really rough week. Except, I’ve been saying that for weeks now, so I’m obviously having a rough month… or year… or life…
I feel like I’m living Murphy’s Law. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I seem to be caught in this cycle of depression and everyday anxiety. The depression hangs around for a while. It gets better, it goes away. Something catastrophic happens, anxiety goes into overdrive, depression comes back.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
No matter what I do, I can’t make everyone happy. I feel like a failure as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, mother, and employee.
I need a vacation from my head.

Back on Track

I have been slacking on the posts the last two weeks! It’s been a rollercoaster. I think I’m out of the woods with the depression, so that’s good. Don’t worry though, Anxiety is still hanging on strong!
Rewind to two weeks ago: My grandpa passed away. You know, as you get older, it happens. But that doesn’t make it any easier. He was such a sweet old man, and I hate that he was alone when he passed. My heart breaks for him.
So along with that came breaking the news to my young children – my daughter bawled – and dealing with relatives. I’m not super close with my extended family. I have nothing in common with most of them. It’s not a bad thing, I love them, I’m just much more liberal than them, and queer. We don’t talk about my queerness. Or politics.
All of this brought out the anxiety, but everything went fairly smoothly, and my anxiety was put at ease.I learned a lot about transporting a deceased relative across state lines. So, that's a thing I know about now. 
I reconnec…

0 to Panic Attack in the Blink of an Eye

I had a meeting at work today. Before the meeting, I was thinking about what I should write my next post about. I had decided to write about the fact that I’m not anxious for once. I was amazed, after spending the last few weeks full of anxiety and depression, to find myself feeling quite good. Sure, I have the same problems now that I had last week, but I’m much more at ease.
I went into a meeting with my department’s management – I’m their assistant so I get included in these things even though I’m not actually management. I sat down in this meeting feeling useful and important. I’m pretty proud of the work I’ve been doing lately. It’s seriously rare for me to feel useful or important! Then someone on the other end of the room commented that it smelled weird in there.
Suddenly the world was ending.
It’s pretty normal, I think, for someone to be paranoid that it’s them who smells when a comment like that is made. I’m always hot because of my various health issues. So I was already…

When your medicine makes you worse

I’ve been talking a lot lately about my depression getting worse. I have a few mental health issues, but anxiety is always the big one, standing front and center. Recently depression shoved its way to the front of the line.
I have logical reasons to be depressed. It’s been a rough year and my finances are in the crapper. But I also have a lot to be thankful for, and usually that’s enough to keep me from getting completely down. Lately, however, my downfalls are all I can think of.
I’ve been on Pristiq for depression and anxiety for several years. It’s worked far better than anything else, and I’ve tried quite a few medications for these problems. I take Clonazepam for panic attacks. I can take two a day, as needed, but sometimes I go weeks without needing one at all. As my financial situation has been getting worse (summer care for children is so much more expensive than before and after school care) I’ve been having more panic attacks, so I’ve been taking the Clonazepam more regul…